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Hi. I went through depression in my senior year of high school. I felt lonely, guilty, ugly, unworthy of love, painfully isolated. Being alone at night was the worst, because that's when all the dark thoughts would come and I would fight the thoughts of cutting myself. I wrote a lot of bad poetry. I cried all the time and didn't even know why. I thought about what heaven might be like, and I wished I was there.

I told my parents. I got therapy. I got medicine. I got better.

Since then, I've gone to college. I studied abroad in Japan. I fell in love and married a cute guy. He and I are making a video game together! Now I'm going to graduate school and I'm learning to become a children's book illustrator. I live in a bright apartment where I can see squirrels climbing in the trees outside my window. I love baking muffins and popovers and other yummy things. Not every day is rainbows and sunshine, but in general I am a very happy girl and I LOVE my life.

As a teenager, I never could have imagined that my life would turn out so awesome. Your depression will tell you that it will never get better, that your life will never be much anyway, that you're not worth it, that you will never be happy again and the best you can hope for is the peace and quiet of death. It's not true. It feels true, but it's not. Keep telling yourself that: it feels true, but it's not.

Tell an adult that you trust. Get help. Get therapy and medicine, if that's what it takes. And if that adult doesn't help you, tell another adult and another and another until someone takes you seriously. Don't give up. Your life is going to be so amazing!
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:iconpetitebubu:
PetiteBubu Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Can I hug you for such beautiful words?
As a teen I feel so encouraged by your confidence. Thank you :heart:
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:iconkelleybean86:
kelleybean86 Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
I'm glad that this encouraged you! Hugs!
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:iconrobthereaper96:
Robthereaper96 Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2013
Thanks. This made my day <3
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:iconcurypotato:
CuryPotato Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2013  Student General Artist
I felt lonely, guilty, ugly, unworthy of love, painfully isolated.

Truer words have never been said.
Reply
:iconpocketgargoyle:
PocketGargoyle Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013
Thanks for posting this. I've dealt with depression as well- including cutting and thoughts of suicide. I was convinced that I deserved it. It was folks on dA that helped me start a change. I read their journals and deviations exposing their own private hells. It helped me come to grips with mine, and know that I was not alone. Sharing in their pain was an excellent catharsis for my own pain. Thank you for sharing your journey. Thank you for reaching out to those that may need it. You may save a life.
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:iconkelleybean86:
kelleybean86 Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
I'm glad that you were able to find some light here on Deviantart, man. Keep going!
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:iconmormonbookworm:
mormonbookworm Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'm not at that awesome point, but I get glimpses of it sometimes.
Thanks for being awesome enough to share this.
MBW
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:iconkelleybean86:
kelleybean86 Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
Just keep it in sight! You'll get there!
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:iconmormonbookworm:
mormonbookworm Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I know, I just tend to forget that. :)
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:iconsavagefrog:
SavageFrog Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you for sharing your experience with us-it's a very sweet reminder of all the little things those of us who have suffered through depression can accomplish when we fight to get help.
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:iconkelleybean86:
kelleybean86 Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
You're welcome! <3
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:iconsavagefrog:
SavageFrog Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
>w<
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:iconemaretto:
Emaretto Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013  Student General Artist
I need to post something like this. I'm so quick to dismiss "teenage angst" and people who have "nothing to be sad about," but I know what it's like. I didn't have any reason to hurt myself when I was a teenager, but I did, because I felt like I deserved it and that it might help. I didn't need medicine to fix myself but I have very close friends who do.

Thanks for the reminder!!
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:iconkelleybean86:
kelleybean86 Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
I also tend to roll my eyes at all the "teenage angst" here on Deviantart. But I read something yesterday that took me back to that time, and I thought that maybe I could provide some encouragement as someone who's looking back on depression from the other side.
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:iconveni-scripsi-vici:
Veni-Scripsi-Vici Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
Don't pay attention to the dumbass that left a negative comment on your journal. I'm glad you told someone and got help. I'm glad you have a wonderful life now. And I'm glad you wrote this journal for some people to read :)
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:iconkelleybean86:
kelleybean86 Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
Thank you! :)
Reply
:iconiloid01:
iLoid01 Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013
found this journal and i was wow-ed !

as a teenager, I also had the same 'depressed' like experience, especially when you said 'the best you can hope for is the peace and quiet of death'
and yes, i did wanted that to happen!

but like i said, i found this journal and i was thinking, maybe i should stop thinking about something like that so that i can live more freely.. ^^
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:iconzerostorm91:
zerostorm91 Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Your not too smart are you?. Just because you got lucky with people you can count on doesnt mean everyone else that has luxury. You should be more considerate of peoples situations the next time you want to write a naive journal like this.
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:iconcurypotato:
CuryPotato Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2013  Student General Artist
*You're not too smart yourself.
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:iconjustmango:
justMANGO Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
And what is it that she's supposed to have written then?
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:iconzerostorm91:
zerostorm91 Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
She should never of written anything in the first place. At the end of the day depression is something you have to fight alone. The only way to beat it is to have a strong resolve
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:iconjustmango:
justMANGO Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
If a few words can make a difference to a few people, it's enough a reason to write them. That it doesn't help everyone isn't a reason not to.
Reply
:iconkelleybean86:
kelleybean86 Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
I completely and utterly disagree. The belief that you're alone in depression, and that the only way to beat it is through your own willpower only leads to more isolation and despair.
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:iconzerostorm91:
zerostorm91 Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
You live in a fairytale world where people actually care about other people. This is reality I'm talking about :l
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:iconjustmango:
justMANGO Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
~kelleybean86 wrote this because she care about other people, so either you think she's a fairy (in which case you're being delusional), or your argument is self-defeating.
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:iconrasgonras:
Rasgonras Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013
I went through a somewhat similiar situation. And I can only second the last line. That lesson has to be shared.
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